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In the past few weeks several people have asked me about Shiva minyans and about the Jewish custom of “sitting Shiva.” The word shiva means seven, and is the week long period of mourning after the death of a parent, sibling, child, or spouse. In Reform Judaism, a three-day period of mourning is observed, and a Shiva Minyan is held, generally in the evening, in the home of the family member or a friend. The Talmud says, “These are the obligations without measure, whose reward, too, is without measure.” One of these obligations is to “console the bereaved.” It doesn’t matter if the person who is bereaved is one of your close friends, merely an acquaintance, or a stranger, it is your obligation to attend a Shiva Minyan. If you have never attended a Shiva Minyan here are a few pointers which may help to make you more comfortable.

1. During shiva, a minyan (a quorum of ten or more men or women) gathers at the shiva home for services. The services held are identical with those at the synagogue, except that certain prayers or verses are either added or omitted. At Temple Bat Yam we use the “Gates of Prayer for Weekdays and At a House of Mourning” for the service. During the service the opportunity is given for one or two family members to share a story or re-read their funeral remarks.

2. The service ends with the Mourner’s Kaddish and a blessing. Generally the service lasts about 30 minutes. It is a good idea to arrive at the house about ten minutes early. This allows you time to speak to the family and offer your condolences.

3. A Minyan is a religious ceremony for families in grief and attendees should dress accordingly. Business casual is appropriate for both men and women.

4. While not mandatory, attendees typically bring a dessert such as cake, cookies, pie, bread or fruit to serveat the Minyan. Some bring a meal for the family to store in the freezer for another day. It is considered an obligation to join the family in eating the refreshments immediately after the service. During this time it is appropriate to offer condolences to the family. Most guests depart 10-20 minutes after consuming refreshments and speaking with the family. Relatives or very close friends often stay later. It is important, however, not to become a burden to the mourners by over-staying.

5. It is considered inappropriate to take food from the home of the bereaved following a Minyan. However, it is appropriate to offer your help in cleaning up. Trash may need to be put in the appropriate containers, prayer books may need to be collected, or folding chairs may need to be stacked. Please remember this is not a social gathering, but rather a religious service and a time to comfort the bereaved.

6. Knowing what to say to a mourner can be difficult. The purpose of visiting a mourner is to comfort the mourner. Visitors have an obligation to remain silent unless the mourner initiates conversation. The mourner is allowed to remain silent, and if so, this shall be expected by visitors. Any conversation that does take place shall typically be about the deceased. Offering a hug, a kiss, a handshake, or an arm around the shoulder speaks volumes about caring. Mentioning the deceased by name is also appropriate. Some mourners use the Shiva Minyan as a distraction from their loss; other mourners prefer to openly experience their grief together with family and friends; the visitor just has to be sensitive and let the mourner choose the topic of conversation.

7. It is best to avoid clichés such as:
“I know how you feel.”
“We are never given more than we can handle.”
“It is God’s will.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Call me if there is anything I can do.”
“She lived a good, long life and it was her time to die.”
“You must be strong for your children.”
“He is in a better place now.”

Remember that your presence means a great deal to the grieving family, even if they do not know you. Being a part of a Shiva Minyan is a privilege and a great mitzvah.